Sounds and Suds

I, Rorie, am a phone-aholic. I am attached to my cell phone. It is my chosen form of communication with the outside world and I honestly feel naked without it......

..... even when I am naked. Which brings me to my latest graceful act: dropping my phone in the bathtub.

I was mortified. And felt instantly disconnected. A shrill sound came from my little mouth as I dove in the water after it..... it was almost like a scene from Baywatch. I rescued it and tried my best at resuscitation. Was it going to make it? Did I get there soon enough? It showed signs of hope, but eventually flat lined.


Phone Insurance, AKA: (Social)Life Insurance, my refuge.

DIRTY LITTLE SECRET


Do not COUGH and DRIVE

I would like to know why every time I get stopped at a road block on my exit (simply trying to get home to put my pretty little head on my own personal pillows), one of the ignorant BPD officers always says, "Ms. Rorie, HOW much have you had to drink tonight?"

Not simply, "Ms. Rorie, have you had anything to drink tonight?" But, "HOW much?"

WTF!?!!? Is this protocol? Or do I just look like that much of an alcoholic? I mean really......


So last night, 12:30ish, I am merely going home, and this tub of lard with a badge and an attitude wants to be all cocky with his questions: "Where you coming from tonight Ms. Rorie"

"A friend's house, Mr. Officer..." At this point of close contact, I regretted moments earlier removing the strapless bra cutting off my circulation..... then he waddles away with my ID... what are you really studying on that thing for so long? Counting the number of freckles I have in the picture?

Then came the infamous question I wait for....."HOW much have you had to drink tonight?"

Being ill, tired, naturally sarcastic, and particularly fond of this group of intellects, I stated: "I had a shot of cold medicine around 8:00 pm, Officer!"

"Ma'am you know you don't need to drink that while driving right?"

Seriously, I am no investigator, but let us do some observations... the medicine bottle (though oddly shaped like a flask) was not open between my legs and the time I gave you was 4.5 hours ago......Don't you have something, anything, better to be doing than poorly instructing me when to swig my DayQuil and operate heavy machinery Dr. Officer!?!?!?

Stronger Woman (Jewel)

I guess you could say
I'm one of those girls
that's always been with one of those guys
you know the type
like right now
he sleeps while I write

But it's better than crying
warn out from trying
from loving a man who always makes it clear
I am not welcome here
Just till he's horney or hungry or needs something clean
you know what I mean
But not tonight
Cause come the morning light, oh

I'm gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me
Even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me

I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again
never, no
Cause theres a stronger woman
a stronger woman in me

light bulbs buzz I get up
and head to my drawer
wish there was more
I could say
another fairy tale fades to grey

I've lived on hope
Just like a child
walking that mile
faking that smile
all the while
wishing my heart had wings
well tonight I am gonna be
The kind of woman I want my daughter to be

I'm gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me
Even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
Won't lose myself again
no, no
Cause there's a stronger woman, a stronger woman

this is me packing up my bags
this is me headed for the door
this is me the best you ever had

I'm gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
There's a stonger woman in me

I'm gonna be my own best friend
stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again
never, no
Cause there's a stronger woman, stronger woman
Theres a stronger woman in me

COUGH, COUGH

My raspy ill voice is by no means sexy....... I am tired of sounding like a seventy-year old male smoker every time I answer the phone. I am tired of having to repeat myself because nobody can understand me. I am tired (as sweet as it is) of my co-workers asking me if I need to go home every time I hack. Basically, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! And that is my rant for the day.......!







WHAT DID THE SICK BABY BANANA SAY TO THE MOMMA BANANA?

I DON'T 'PEEL' GOOD.



Friends vs. Southern Friends

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of it.

FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you. And for you.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. And most of the time know you better than you do yourself.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'Are you home?' If you are not home they will wait.

(Got this in an e-mail this morning, the "call your parents mom and dad" is so very true and "could write a book of direct quotes," pretty much sums up me and my girls!)

Love having my mom in town!


Please define "talking"

I have two semi-neurotic, but firm beliefs:

1. Neosporin heals everything
2. Google solves everything

My latest conundrum involves the levels or categories of dating… I have apparently been in a black box and do not understand what lingo you people are using nowadays.

What is “dating?” The San Francisco court actually defined a dating relationship as "a social relationship between two individuals who have a reciprocally amorous and increasingly exclusive interest in one another, and shared expectation of the growth of that mutual interest, that has endured for such a length of time and stimulated such frequent interactions that the relationship cannot be deemed to have been casual." Ok, that definition helps greatly. Now, what the hell is “talking?” I previously thought this is what teenagers do when they are kind of feeling (not physically) each other out, but I have heard the term used a lot lately. Well, to enlighten myself, I did a little Googling…

I found a competent male’s blog that gave some very explicit definitions:

These Eight Levels of Dating are below, with abridged examples for those of you who are slow.

Level 1: Pre-Dating
This isn’t really dating per se, but rather the initiation of contact. For example: you’re at a friend’s party and see an attractive girl across the room. You ask the host, a mutual friend, who the girl is and once you get the word that she isn’t crazy and hasn’t had sex with any former or current NBA players, you approach.

Level 2: The Explicit Invite Period
Level 2 is merely an extension of Level 1. But in Level 2, everything is more explicit, deliberate, and intentional. You call the girl after a few days to invite her (and her friends) to a bar where you (and your friends) will be hanging out. She agrees to come (and to bring friends).

Level 3: The Weekday Date Period
Dinner or some other date variation on a non-prime night (Sunday through Wednesday; if you can get a Thursday, it’s a good sign). Also, in Level 3, what may have been obvious before is now official: you are courting this girl.

Level 3 is the make or break period. Studies have shown that around 70% of dates do not get past Level 3.

Level 4: The Weekend Date Period
If you’ve made it to Level 4, you’re doing something right. Level 4 means that you are hanging out on a prime night: Friday or Saturday (and possibly Thursday).

Level 5a: The "Yeah, She’s Kinda My Girlfriend" Period
Level 5b: The Weekday Evening Sex Period
Once you successfully get past Level 4, you’re onto Level 5, which is divided into two parts.

This is arguably the best Level, because, well, you pretty much have a girlfriend. It’s still not official yet, but you both know it’s true.

Level 6: The Love Period
Love. Sex. Girlfriend. And at this Level, the notion of having a girlfriend is a great and wonderful thing. You will tell your mom about her, who will sigh in relief. You will take weekend trips where you will lay in bed naked, watching pay-per-view movies, eating pizza, and drinking wine. You will laugh and wonder how this feeling could ever end, because you are stupid with love.

Level 7: The Cracks in the Facade Period
You’re still in love, of course. You worked hard for this relationship and things are still very good between you and the girl.
Level 7: the beginning of the end. Also, the beginning of the rest of your life.

Level 8: Malaise
Routine has taken over. Sex in the kitchen on a Wednesday evening has been replaced by ok take-out food and "The Notebook."

Men and Ovaries, EVIL


"If men could menstruate...clearly, mensturation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event: Men would brag about how long and how much....Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of such commercial brands as Paul Newman Tampons, Muhammed Ali's Rope-a-Dope Pads, John Wayne Maxi Pads, and Joe Namath Jock Shields - 'For Those Light Bachelor Days.'"
~ Gloria Steinem, U.S. feminist writer, editor.


monday

Shake Your Groove Thang!

By the many songs of our popular culture, we are instructed on many different ways available to "shake it:"

"Shake it like a Polaroid picture"

"Shake it like a salt shaker"

"Shake a tail-feather"

"Shake it fast, watch yourself"

"Shake what your mama gave you"

Just wondering your particular preference..... how do you "shake it?"

I think I may begin to "shake my moneymaker." I mean, do a little dance and make a little profit...I'm just sayin' is all!

Won't try that one again.....

I am shameless, I know....

A previous rant of mine about I-55 revealed that I take on several tasks while driving, but I encountered one task I will not attempt again.....taking off some work out shorts and putting on a pair of jeans. Very complicated! Shirts now, changing those while driving is a piece of cake: rip off, put on! If you time that one right, nobody else will even see your bra. Even if they do, some bras can be passed of as bikini tops so you're all good. But pants, those are harder because they involve positioning one foot on the gas or break and sliding down and bending semi sideways... it just shouldn't be attempted......trust me.

Though, I have admitted my irresponsible driving to an officer of the law. I was instructed if I kept my car in my lane, we were all good. So, to all of your other stripping commuters, NO SWERVING!

Do you have it?

FIRECRACKER (Josh Turner)

When I look in her eyes
It aint no surprise
Sparks start a flyin like the 4th of July

She gets me so hot, my heart starts a pumpin
When we get to kissin, there aint no stoppin'

When it comes to love
She aint no slacker
My little darlin is a firecracker

When I light the fuse
I gotta get back quick
You gotta be careful with a dynamite stick

Son of a gun she fun to handle
And she packs a punch like a roman candle
She a pack of black cats in a red paper wrapper
My little darlin is a firecracker

We might not ought to take a roll in the hay
Cause we'd burn the barn down one of these days
Were a match made in heaven
And it aint no joke.
But Id sure I hate to see it go up in smoke

We got a good thing going
And it feels so right
Shes a firecracker
Shes the light of my life.

She goes off with a great big BANG
Boys I tell ya its a beautiful thing
She takes off you better hang on tight

Shes a blonde bottle rocket
In the middle of the night

When she makes love shes a Heart attacker
My little darlin is a Firecracker

We got a good thing going
And it feels so right
Shes a firecracker
Shes the light of my life.

Come Visit Anytime....

Oceanfront Property

"I just wanna be mad for a while....."

I am not even going to try to fight it today, I am just going to give in, let it be, and let is pass.....


A dear friend sent a group of us a "Have a Great day!" text message at 7:00 this morning. Most days I would have thought "Awww. What a sweet way to kick of the morning." Today, I replied with, "Thanks for the inspirational message, but more appropriately for my morning would have been: Try not to commit vehicular manslaughter on I-20 on your way to work...."
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