This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter....
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from th e curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior . You surely reali ze it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Kayla fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey 's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always....
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
Police Men are our Friends
Repeat after me, “Police men are our friends.” Yes, you may have to mumble it the first few times, as did I. However, this is the reality check I am trying to give myself. The firefighter has been trying to alter my attitude for quite some time. He is, for whatever reason, appreciative of cops; where as I have typically found them to be nothing more than a useless nuisance on the roads. The firefighter does not much appreciate it when I verbally express such opinions, “Oink” in the general direction of these uniformed individuals, comment on the “sudden smell of bacon,” mentally flip them off, or pause to give them my infamous “evil eye.”
I am trying to change my ways. A few bad seeds in past times had ruined the respect of the whole profession for me. My past views have been steered towards the idea that they are bullies who never grow up, driving around burning an ungodly amount of gas, while finding a way to feed their immaturity, egos, and lustful nature- while claiming it as an occupation and getting paid for it! However, I have recently met some people in the profession that I can not only tolerate, but actually really enjoy and appreciate. Their pleasant attitude and demeanor sparked this consideration for my new attitude. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are still those pricks who will be forever corrupted by the “thin blue line.” But I will no longer stereotype officers of the law until they have proven themselves to deserve so.
“Police men are our friends.”
I figure if Ice-T can rise above his harsh feelings, so can Rorie.
“Police men are our friends.”
“Police men are our friends.”
I am trying to change my ways. A few bad seeds in past times had ruined the respect of the whole profession for me. My past views have been steered towards the idea that they are bullies who never grow up, driving around burning an ungodly amount of gas, while finding a way to feed their immaturity, egos, and lustful nature- while claiming it as an occupation and getting paid for it! However, I have recently met some people in the profession that I can not only tolerate, but actually really enjoy and appreciate. Their pleasant attitude and demeanor sparked this consideration for my new attitude. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are still those pricks who will be forever corrupted by the “thin blue line.” But I will no longer stereotype officers of the law until they have proven themselves to deserve so.
“Police men are our friends.”
I figure if Ice-T can rise above his harsh feelings, so can Rorie.
“Police men are our friends.”
“Police men are our friends.”
Starry-Eyed....In My Bubble
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know. ~Ernest Hemingway
My bubble is pure serenity. No world news, no politics, no drama, no weighted burdens.
This is why I purposely like to stay in "my bubble" as much as possible. The more I learn about life and especially the lives of those around me, the more worldly I become. Seeing the true grit and reality of it all-it is so depressing. The more I know the less secure I feel. Then I want to retreat to my bubble more that ever.
I am not anywhere near naive, just ridiculously jealous of those who are. Longing to be ignorant and blissful.
"Times have changed and so have I. I once was young and starry-eyed. Now I have these bittersweet memories." ~The Wreckers
On a more personal level, this is especially why I despise with every bit of my being having to act as the "Designated Driver!" I do not want to hear the darkened allies of your life that you would not be pouring to me if you were sober. Honestly, you will likely not remember you weighed me down and laid it all out and I will not be able to forget your seemingly secret anguish.
I want to be there for those nearest and dearest. I will go out of my way to appease you, if my assistance can bring any relief. But unsolicited, unnecessary weight is really not appreciated... it merely puts little holes is my once untouched bubble.
My bubble is pure serenity. No world news, no politics, no drama, no weighted burdens.
This is why I purposely like to stay in "my bubble" as much as possible. The more I learn about life and especially the lives of those around me, the more worldly I become. Seeing the true grit and reality of it all-it is so depressing. The more I know the less secure I feel. Then I want to retreat to my bubble more that ever.
I am not anywhere near naive, just ridiculously jealous of those who are. Longing to be ignorant and blissful.
"Times have changed and so have I. I once was young and starry-eyed. Now I have these bittersweet memories." ~The Wreckers
On a more personal level, this is especially why I despise with every bit of my being having to act as the "Designated Driver!" I do not want to hear the darkened allies of your life that you would not be pouring to me if you were sober. Honestly, you will likely not remember you weighed me down and laid it all out and I will not be able to forget your seemingly secret anguish.
I want to be there for those nearest and dearest. I will go out of my way to appease you, if my assistance can bring any relief. But unsolicited, unnecessary weight is really not appreciated... it merely puts little holes is my once untouched bubble.
She is a contradiction
She is an open book with illegible pages
She is exhausted after she sleeps
She is gracefully clumsy in every step
She is a brunette, blonde in spirit
She loves the rain but hates to get wet
She will likely decline, but still wants to be asked
She is a sluggish success
She is impatient but unpunctual
She is a concrete statue of emotion
She is exhausted after she sleeps
She is gracefully clumsy in every step
She is a brunette, blonde in spirit
She loves the rain but hates to get wet
She will likely decline, but still wants to be asked
She is a sluggish success
She is impatient but unpunctual
She is a concrete statue of emotion
I'm not asleep... but that doesn't mean I'm awake.
Sigh.
I am convinced it takes me longer to “re-charge” than the average person. I do not do “beauty sleep,” mine is more like “anti-bitch” sleep.
To all you chipper morning people, screw you! If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.
The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more. ~Wilson Mizener
I am convinced it takes me longer to “re-charge” than the average person. I do not do “beauty sleep,” mine is more like “anti-bitch” sleep.
To all you chipper morning people, screw you! If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.
The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more. ~Wilson Mizener
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